


Clean Up on Aisle Five

by RichmanBachard



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Creepy old hags, Dirk McShiv FTW, Family Bonding, Grocery Shopping, Implied Relationship, Mysterious old geezers, Space Dad, Space Dad wears socks and sandals, Waffle quest, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 08:31:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11710683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RichmanBachard/pseuds/RichmanBachard
Summary: The team devise a plan and see it through to the end, shenanigans ensue.





	Clean Up on Aisle Five

**Author's Note:**

> In honor of season three premiering, amidst all the angst and theorizing, I present a small little quasi-AU - all in good fun and nothing more than a scenario joked about between a few friends and myself. Enjoy.

“All right, team,” Shiro started, “gather ‘round.”

 

Keith, Pidge, Lance, and Hunk surrounded the table, keeping their eyes on their leader. He eyed them back, each and every one very carefully, letting the anticipation build.

 

He took a deep breath, then slammed his left pointer finger at a position on the map on the table before them.

 

“Keith will take the frozen foods aisle,” he said, looking over at him. The tension in the room deflated. “Be sure to get the right brand of waffles Coran likes, okay?”

 

Keith, with his arms crossed, rolled his eyes. “Man, they all taste the same anyway. What difference does it make?” 

 

“The difference between him whining, and not whining.” Shiro shrugged. “Also, don’t get too much ice cream. Remember what happened last time?"

 

“It was Lan—!”

 

Cut off by the rest of the squad, they shared a unanimous, “We know,” accompanied by Lance mocking a thumbs-up motion. Shiro glared, and Keith sighed.

 

"Better yet - pick up some frozen yogurt, it's better for us anyway."

 

"Aw, man," Lance groaned. "C'mon!"

 

Shiro briefly pointed at the troublemaker, then brought the finger smack-dab to another section of the store. “Lance and Hunk will take the meats and vegetables. I’m trusting—” 

 

“Aww yeah,” Lance interrupted. “Hunk and I are the meaty boys…! OW—” He rubbed his side, after having been elbowed by his friend.

 

“— _trusting_ ,” Shiro continued, “Hunk to keep things orderly while the two of you pick out what’s needed. Hopefully the selection’ll be good today. Just watch out for that old lady.”

 

Keith and Lance shivered as Pidge raised her hand. 

 

“Yes?” Shiro responded, aware of her motion all while keeping his eyes glued to the map.

 

Sheepishly, she lowered her hand and then cleared her throat. “What’s my task, what’s mine, huh?” She asked, a trickle of excitement in her voice. 

 

He faintly smiled. “I was just getting to you,” he replied, nonchalantly sliding his finger over to another section, then circled it. “You will be coming along with me to mop up the surrounding areas, while the others target the bulk of the place.”

 

Adjusting her glasses, she made a small, somewhat displeased noise. “Very well,” she responded, attempting to hide her disappointment. “…wait, what old lady? Huh?”

 

“Mean old hag,” Keith chimed in. “Lance and I got in a fight with her. Well, less a fight and more of a … squabble.”

 

“Yeah.. squabble,” Lance said, sounding out the word out. “Yeah, _aptly put there, Keith_."

 

“Lance told me all about it. I’m guessing, uh, that’s why I’ll be accompanying him, then?” Hunk asked. 

 

“That,” Shiro admitted, "and your delectable taste when it comes to cooking. It’s a win-win.” After a few beats, he spoke again, “Any further questions?”

 

“Say the old lady, what’s, ah.. what’s her name,” Hunk wondered, eyes closed as he snapped his fingers, trying to remember.

 

“Miss Laughton,” Keith and Lance answered at the same time. 

 

"Ooo, how foreboding," Pidge quipped.

 

“Laughton, yeah, right—say she approaches us. What’re we--what, uh, what am _I_ supposed to do?” Hunk asked. “I’m not gonna body-slam an elderly woman - alien or not. Well, I mean I could if the world had depended on it, b-but, uh, I wouldn’t like it very much!" 

 

“I would!” said Lance. “That would be awesome.”

 

Keith chuckled. “I can’t help but agree.”

 

Shiro sighed. “As humorous as that would be, no body-slamming. Okay? She’s a bitter hag, but escalating the situation won’t help a thing.” He briefly pinched the bridge of his nose. “Okay, all right, uhh.. if she does, you’ve got your physicality, Hunk, and you can play nice. Maybe you can appeal to her nature. Weird her out."

 

Hunk squinted. " _Weird her.._ wait, wait. Are you calling me a grandma at heart?” Hunk asked.

 

“No, we all know Allura’s the real grandma,” Shiro quipped, getting a laugh out of the team. "Grab your baskets and let's go."

 

\---

 

The aisles of frozen foods were, thankfully, not particularly packed that day. Keith sighed to himself, mostly in relief. He still hated shopping – but he appreciated the ability to properly think, unbothered by typical annoyances. If only for a little while. 

 

_Frozen yogurt? Check_ , he thought. _TV dinners? Eugh, check. Now.. breakfast.._

 

He swallowed hard as he looked upon the racks of frozen breakfast before him. Sizzle sticks, garhanzo pockets.. he opened up the door and started placing the necessaries in his basket. Reaching over to the waffle section, his wrist was grabbed by a stranger.

 

“What the…!” He pulled back, glaring at the perpetrator – a hooded figure. His paranoia tickled the back of his mind. “Um,” was all he could manage as a response.

 

“You seek that which is unfathomable; the perfectly delicious, beautifully crafted, luscious _waffle_.” 

 

Keith arched a brow. “Uhh.. o…kay? Yes?” He cleared his throat. “Yes,” he repeated, sternly. “So please don’t grab my attention like that. If you want to get yours, go ahead. I’ll wait.”

 

The hooded figure hummed. “Nay.. nay, I’m here to help.”

 

“What the f—” 

 

\---

 

“Okay, so.. what if I decided to hit the candy aisle instead?” Lance asked. "You're better at this than I am - I'm better off elsewhere."

 

“Uhhh.. well,” Hunk thought for a moment, placing another packet of meat in their basket, “I would be very disappointed in you – and I wouldn’t make those cookies you like, so..”

 

“Hey, hey, whoa! I was jokin’, all right,” he said, with a defeated tone. He rubbed his arm. “I like those cookies,” he said, quieter this time.

 

Hunk sported a faint smile. 

 

“You got a real mean streak in you, y’know that?” Lance nudged him, then walked past after stuffing his hands in the pockets of his jacket. 

 

Hunk ignored the comment and proceeded. "All we need now is a pack of _pyzaku chops_."

 

"Pyja--what the.."

 

“Aww.. ah, man.. ohhh, man. They're so delicious!"

 

"Hunk," Lance turned to face him, "you think _most things_ are delicious! That means nothing to me!" 

 

"Hey.. are you saying I have cheap taste?"

 

"I'm saying you love food!"

 

"And you love poor attempts at flirting with pretty girls, and ogling them!"

 

"..."

 

"...you're doing it right now!"

 

"Whu.." Lance shook his head, looking away from the pretty passerby. "Are you saying I'm not charming?"

 

Hunk scrunched his face up. "I'm saying....!" Slowly, his eyes started to widen. "Uhm..."

 

"What? What is it?"

 

"Err, uhh.." Hunk nervously laughed, and pointed behind him.

 

Lance looked over his shoulder. "Oh, _quiznak_."

 

With a hunch in her back and a limp in her step, Miss Laughton came up. The purple eyes of her hard stare aimed directly at them. 

 

“Hello, boys,” she croaked, wiggling one of her tentacles to pull a packet of meat into her basket. 

 

\---

 

“What do you think of these?” Shiro asked, sporting a wide grin as he tried on a pair of sunglasses from the nearby rack. 

 

Pidge tried to hide her laugh. Keyword being “try,” and ended up with something of a snort. She fixed her glasses and took an honest look at him once she got herself together. “Well.. they look good, but..” her eyes drifted downward.

 

“What?”

 

“Socks and sandals don’t match very well with them, that’s all. Drop the socks and maybe you got something goin’ for yourself – you’re getting there.” She gave him a genuine thumbs-up.

 

“Well,” he said, quickly reciprocating her gesture, “I’ll keep it in mind – how’s that?”

 

She smiled. “It’s a start.”

 

“All right, let’s get the rest of the vitamins and supplements – and then we’ll hit up the laundry products."

 

Having acquired what was left on his list, they made their way down to the opposite end of the complex, when Shiro stopped himself. Pidge shortly after. She raised a brow at him. “You okay?”

 

He looked at his list again. “Dammit, almost forgot Mister Bubbly..” he said, his voice slowly trailing off as he made a b-line for the designated aisle. 

 

“Mister.. wha..?” Dumbfounded, she had no choice but to follow along.

 

\---

 

“The ultimate waffle, huh,” said Keith, his brows furrowed. 

 

“Yes. Yeesss,” the old man clad in the colorful hood affirmed. “Many have sought such an illustrious brand..” he opened the door, after having explained the art of breakfast specialties for nearly ten minutes. Keith had nodded, here and there, deciding the humor the old geezer.

 

“Uh-huh,” he said, putting emphasis into it. “Fascinating.” 

 

The man stopped, looking over—his hood concealing his features. “You dare jest?”

 

“No, no. Really, I'm being completely legit.” He couldn’t help but crack a small smile. “Listen old timer, or, well … whatever you are.. I appreciate the advice and all, but—”

 

“NONSENSE.”

 

Keith paused, his brows raised. “Oh.” Lowering them, slowly, “You’re serious,” he said. 

 

“The art of the pan and the cake is a fine art—a delectable trade! See here, look!” The old man flung the door open, reached in, and grabbed a seemingly random box of waffles in order to present them to Keith. “Here!”

 

He inspected the art on the box. “Wuzar’s…Wonderful…Waff…” he trailed off, the realization slowly washing over his features. “What the…! Cora—?"

 

Before he could finish, the hooded “geezer” had stuffed the box into Keith’s basket and fled in a hurry.

 

“Hey, wait!” Keith went after him.

 

\---

 

“We saw ‘em first!” Lance proclaimed, pulling back on the packet of pyzaku chops. “Scram, ya old hag!”

 

“Lance, er, M-Miss.. please, uh, stop?” The more nervous he grew, the more his stomach had started to growl. “Please?”

 

The old lady scoffed. “I..love…pyzaku chops! These are the last one for today and I deserve them!”

 

Lance mimicked her scoff. “Deserve? Deserve?!” She yanked back on the packet, pulling it closer to her—her tentacles easing out in order to assist.

 

“GUYS, PLEASE, WE’RE MAKING A SCENE.”

 

Lance mustered what little strength he had left and pulled back hard. “Shut up and just help me!”

 

Hunk locked up – his nerves went through a rollercoaster of sensations before he snapped back, a plan in tow. Make it weird, just like Shiro said. He had no choice.

 

Awkwardly, and rather quickly, he lunged forward and started obscenely licking at the packet. Disgusted, the woman let go, allowing for Lance to toss the chops into their basket. Hunk grabbed him and the two speeded away before she could give chase. She wiped her hands. 

 

\---

 

“Uh, excuse me… sir?” Shiro held a hand up, briefly pausing. “Er..” he poked at the hide of the lumbering, hairy creature. 

 

“Hm? Oh, apologies, human," he said, shuffling along and out of the way, revealing the last bottle of Mister Bubbly shampoo.

 

Shiro grinned. 

 

Pidge poked at his side. “Never thought you’d desire such a brand so much, Shiro.” She peered. “Is that how you get your hair to look as good as it does?”

 

“Hmm? Oh, no. This,” he motioned towards his mane, “is all natural.” He felt the weight of the shampoo in his hands. “ _This_ is for Allura, it smells good and suits her well – uh..” His cheeks flushed. “Oops, uh – I mean, uh, I meant—” He looked down at her, at her smug grin. The cat was out of the bag, he wasn’t winning this one. “Okay, look..”

 

“No, no,” she interrupted, “I think it’s cute. I've known for a while, so you have nothing to fear from me. The others? Weeelll.. it would be pretty delightful watching them dog you for this.” She paused. “All in good fun, of course.” 

 

“No, it wouldn’t,” he deadpanned. “And you know that.” He sighed. “What do you want in return for your silence about this,” he asked, not as a question. He knew better.

 

He could see her wheels turning. 

 

She tapped at her chin. “Weeelllll… there was a new 35-X Kadeon drive released recently, and I’m fairly certain it’s well in-stock in the shop next to us – and we have to stop there anyway, ssooo..”

 

Admitting defeat was no easy task, not for him. But this had been a special occasion. “Fine.. fine.” An amused look came upon him, as he ruffled her hair. “I’ll get it for you – I promise. Now c’mon, let’s wrap up and ensure that the others haven’t gotten into any trouble…”

 

“They couldn’t have gotten into that much,” she asked, “could they?”

 

"God, I hope not... hey, wait, what do you mean you've known for a while?"

 

\---

 

Keith was in hot-pursuit of the hooded perp. He knew it was Coran, but he had to see for himself. Many a time the ‘stache-twirling fiend would devise a breakfast plan—he was very particular about all the gathered materials. They had to be the best, of the upmost quality. 

 

“Wait up!” said Keith. “I know it’s you!” As they ran by, numerous onlookers were left concerned - one of them had started to call for security.

 

\---

 

“Yeah, uhhh, Dirk?” the lady asked over comms.

 

Dirk sighed. “Yea?”

 

“Gotta bit of a problem here. Something of a – uhh, chase? – along the front’a the store. Suspected shoplifting. Advise caution.”

 

His eyes slowly widened. _Shoplifters, on my turf?_ Slamming a fist on his table, he growled before standing and grabbing at his coat, quickly heading off.

 

\---

 

“Did we lose her?” Lance asked.

 

“I think so,” Hunk replied, basket grip in one hand, clutching his stomach with the other. “Aw man, I’m gonna need a power bar at check-out. Let’s go.” 

 

The duo turned on heel to find Laughton at the other end of the hall, growling. Lance grabbed on to Hunk as they screamed and made a run for it – having no choice but to go the roundabout way. 

 

They heaved as they ran, rounding the curb and crossing a few aisles in an attempt to put further distance between them and her.

 

"Okay, haa.. let's, let's slow down now, yeah?" Hunk asked, keeping a tight grip on his basket. "Please?"

 

"No way, I'm not risking it? It's like she can teleport!" Lance said, coming out from an endcap. He looked to his right, spotting a security guard sprinting towards them. "What the.."

 

"Lance, watch out!"

 

\---

 

"Do the others know? Do they? Oh god.."

 

"Nah," Pidge assured him. "Well, maybe."

 

"Maybe?"

 

"Possibly."

 

"Don't play gam--" Shiro was cutoff by the sound of a loud thud from across the store. Him and Pidge booked it, heading over to see a small, gathering crowd in the distance. They raised brows at each other before proceeding further. 

 

After working their way through the small crowd of onlookers, Shiro and Pidge came upon a horrific sight. Keith, Hunk, Lance, the hooded geezer, and the security guard had accidentally collided into each other. She looked up at him, then at the mess. Mangled bodies and spilled baskets.

 

"Show me.." Keith reached a hand up. "Show me who you..." his hand grabbed the hood of the geezer, revealing an elderly man - no Coran in sight. "Oh my god.."

"I'm sorry," the geezer admitted, wheezing, "I just really love waffles and want more people to know of my preferred brand!"

 

Shiro sighed.

 

\---

 

“These your kids?” The cashier asked.

 

Shiro went to respond, but stopped himself. He looked over at his team, they were talking amongst themselves. He returned his gaze towards the woman. “Yeah,” he finally said. “You could say that.” He paused, helping bag the collected products. "Sorry for that ruckus earlier."

 

"No worries. Not the craziest thing to happen this week," she admitted, a surprised look came upon Shiro's features. "If anything," she continued, effortlessly scanning the items, "it was kind of fun. Well.. Dirk's a little grumpy, but--"

 

"That the rest of it, Hunk?" Keith asked.

 

"Eeyep, looks to be," he replied. 

 

Pidge looked at him. "You guys made sure to get pyzaku chops, right?" 

 

"Hmph, yeeeeah, got it right..." Hunk's hand wandered, grasping at thin air. "Right.. here..."

 

Lance's eyes widened, looking at Keith, " _Laughton_ ," the two of them said.

 

The following few days, each morning they'd share a breakfast full of waffle-y goodness, Keith and Lance would swear that, at that particular moment, they heard an evil cackle not unlike her. 

 

Shiro pretended to believe them.

**Author's Note:**

> I do hope to tackle a more serious - and canonically-oriented - story or two, at some point. Maybe even some Shallura smut on the side? We'll see. Either way, let's all cry and wait for October.


End file.
